Tits of the trade

Hey, welcome.

Doing comedy in Portland, or maybe just everywhere, is a very rewarding/disheartening process.

On the one hand, good friends, good times.

On the other, GOOD FUCKING CHRIST WHY????

Here is a brief list of  “successful” jokes I have told throughout the first 2 years of doing stand up comedy.

1. Jon’s pancakes

2. The ol’ snake venom gag

3. Spooning your friends

Know how many of those work every time?

To emphasize how it feels to tell your favorite joke to a crowd of new faces, and have it get no reaction at all, I’mma quote Richard Bain!

“I told this girl ‘I love you’ the other day, and she didn’t say it back. I was like, yo, moms….”

For me, comedy is like water. Yes, I’d die without it, but it creates so many tears!

Here are some things I would find helpful if I were me reading this a year ago…

There’s a lot of pretty folks out there that like to sleep with comics, and they can be a lot of fun. Keep in mind though, the key word in that last sentence is, “comics”. Plural.

Be prepared to promote the shit out of yourself. Being funny means nothing if you don’t tell anybody about it. This is tough for me to say, because I am aware of this fact, yet do nothing about it. (Yes, self-promotion feels douche-y. It’s supposed to.)

Go out to every open mic possible and write jokes all the fucking time! If your shitty jokes aren’t working, don’t keep pushing them upon everyone hoping for a miracle. Write some new damn jokes!

If you see Jimmy Newstetter out and about, but that guy a drink. He deserves it!

DON’T be sad onstage. The most cleverly written sad joke is still just sad to the audience. Be silly, be fun. I know I have a hard time adhering to this one myself, which makes it extra important.

If you are asked to host or take the bullet, get rid of your ego. Your job is to be energy, not jokes. Lift up your fellow comics and help out the SHOW. And just suck it up and take the bullet, you weasel. It’s invaluable experience for later shows. Did I mention I am a theater fag?

In the beginning, people don’t have the patience for your long stories with no punchline. No one starts as a rant comic.

That’s All! Wave Bye!

Live(ish) from Suki’s Open Mic

This is an experiment in the future, comedy fans. It is currently 8:40 pm at Suki’s Bar and Grill, the very site where in about a half an hour or so a night of hardcore, live open mic comedy is about to commence. This kind of magic only happens once every week or so. But how often is it documented, in real time, and updated live to a relatively disinterested public? Not often enough, I have decided. So welcome to Suki’s.

8:42pm: World famous open mic frequenter Marcus Gibson learns about the PDX Comedy Blog and immediately requests to be made famous by it. Knowing the profound sway of this site, I relent. (You’re welcome.)

8:59pm: Dax is arrived. Cops are slowly circling the building. “America FUCK YEAH” is playing. All is well.

9:00 pm Shawn Fleek, kitchen manager at Suki’s and part-time rabble rouser, gets off work and joins Whitney in the “forbidden dance” that is a liveblog.

10:14pm: The experiment falters almost immediately due to my having to go up second. [I do alright. I cannot work out jokes on stage here, I do not have any clue why I persist in believing that I can.] Anywho, the mic started about an hour ago. By this point, there is a solid crowd on the “comic side” of the room and a couple people playing video poker on the other.

10:16pm: The first (hopefully) use of the word “funbag” on stage tonight.

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New Saturday Open Mic!

Just read a communication from Big Jim Willig via the fabric of our lives, Facebook. Apparently he is hosting a new comedy open mic on Saturdays at The Shamrock! It is not usually in my style to blog about a new mic before it’s clear that it will last a bit; however, Saturday nights have long been mic-less, so this is great news, particularly for the legions of just-starting-out comics who get the bug and feel the need to have stage time Every Night OOOMMMMGGG.

[EDIT: I just remembered that there is one Saturday mic already, at ComedySportz! First Saturday of every month. Friendly to families. Send an email ahead of to standup@portlandcomedy.com to get a spot.)

Anywho. The Shamrock is located at 4914 SE 82nd Ave. It is apparently right next to the IHOP. (Did you hear that, Tim Hammer? Your plan is falling into place.) And tune in to funemploymentradio.com today at 4pm today to hear Jim talk about the show in all capital letters.