Tits of the trade

Hey, welcome.

Doing comedy in Portland, or maybe just everywhere, is a very rewarding/disheartening process.

On the one hand, good friends, good times.

On the other, GOOD FUCKING CHRIST WHY????

Here is a brief list of  “successful” jokes I have told throughout the first 2 years of doing stand up comedy.

1. Jon’s pancakes

2. The ol’ snake venom gag

3. Spooning your friends

Know how many of those work every time?

To emphasize how it feels to tell your favorite joke to a crowd of new faces, and have it get no reaction at all, I’mma quote Richard Bain!

“I told this girl ‘I love you’ the other day, and she didn’t say it back. I was like, yo, moms….”

For me, comedy is like water. Yes, I’d die without it, but it creates so many tears!

Here are some things I would find helpful if I were me reading this a year ago…

There’s a lot of pretty folks out there that like to sleep with comics, and they can be a lot of fun. Keep in mind though, the key word in that last sentence is, “comics”. Plural.

Be prepared to promote the shit out of yourself. Being funny means nothing if you don’t tell anybody about it. This is tough for me to say, because I am aware of this fact, yet do nothing about it. (Yes, self-promotion feels douche-y. It’s supposed to.)

Go out to every open mic possible and write jokes all the fucking time! If your shitty jokes aren’t working, don’t keep pushing them upon everyone hoping for a miracle. Write some new damn jokes!

If you see Jimmy Newstetter out and about, but that guy a drink. He deserves it!

DON’T be sad onstage. The most cleverly written sad joke is still just sad to the audience. Be silly, be fun. I know I have a hard time adhering to this one myself, which makes it extra important.

If you are asked to host or take the bullet, get rid of your ego. Your job is to be energy, not jokes. Lift up your fellow comics and help out the SHOW. And just suck it up and take the bullet, you weasel. It’s invaluable experience for later shows. Did I mention I am a theater fag?

In the beginning, people don’t have the patience for your long stories with no punchline. No one starts as a rant comic.

That’s All! Wave Bye!

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