A new post for a new day! (from Phil)

Hello to everyone reading this blog. You’re looking good today, aren’t you? Is that perfume I smell? Oh my you shouldn’t have!

I’m sorry I couldn’t whip something up for tonight, I was just feeling a little tired and so I ordered pizza instead. I hope you’ll excuse me for that. Sorry the blog is such a mess, I haven’t had the time to clean it in a while what with all the soap operas I’ve been watching. Yes, I know that’s cat pee on the floor, but little miss Foo Foo goes when and where and who she needs to go. It’s rather easy to accept once you learn to not let the smell or feeling of things bother you. Same reason why the floor is covered with garbage, and the walls are covered in various feces of faces of feces. I know this blog isn’t perfect by most people’s standards, but it has charm.

Regardless, I hope you’ll excuse me. I hope you’ll … excuse the fuck out of me. Every which way you can imagine. Oh yeah, I’ve been a bad blogger, and I need someone to pardon me. Pardon me real hard, right up my ass, spraying your hot forgiveness all over my face like the dirty, lazy blogger that I am. I want you to chain me up naked and piss your sympathy all over me, and I’ll take it like the dirty little blogger I am. What’s that? You want to forgive me where? Oh, that would hurt, wouldn’t it? Of course, that’s part of the fun, I suppose. Sure, stick your pity stick right in there! OH YEAH IT HURTS SO MUCH BUT IT FEELS SO RIGHT!!!! NEVER LET IT GO!!! BREAK ME!!!!! MAKE ME FORGET I WAS EVER BORN!!!! RIDE ME LIKE THE RETARDED BLOG HORSE I’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING!!! NEIGGGGHHHHHH, NEIGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Now that the formalities are over with, let me start by stating my agenda: There are multiple ways to enjoy life, and with this blog, I will show you how. Or not. I doubt it really matters. Besides, you’re probably reading this blog on your daily run of timewasting to avoid that one thing that you’ve been wanting to do all day/week/month/your life, sitting with your left hand on your chin hoping that all of those expectations would fulfill themselves without you doing anything. Well, life just doesn’t work like that. There are rules, you know!

1. Work hard
2. Bie

Number one is pretty simple, you are more than likely already familiar with that rule. You’re probably asking yourself, what about number two?

Well, those are the rules. I didn’t design them. God did, and put it down thusly on a patch of sand that was quickly washed away by a wrathful flood that he absent-mindedly caused after waving his hands at the ground. Fortunately, the records were saved and put on vinyl in ’82 to a limited distribution in the southwest United States. From there it quickly spread before all the records shattered from spreading too quickly, thus leaving the rules in the heads of the fortunate few who listened to them before it was cool. Those who knew of the two rules knew of true enjoyment of life and happiness.

So what are you waiting for? Your Grandma? Your Taxidermy Results? Guffman? Your train home? Your personal Peter Parsniff? Your own Gary Gamaroo? Your kids to grow up? Your one and only love? Your hands to touch? Your heart to soar? Your own personal Iphone? A Cucumber Salad? The Bagavadidadabadavidad Gita? A train home? A train phone? A plain phone? A range to roam. A Jane to Joan? Get real! They’re not coming to you!

#####Stop being a racist and start making a difference!#####

If that last accusation was incorrect, then please let me apologize. I’m really sorry. I’m really fucking sorry. I’m so sorry I feel like I could fucking explode. I’m so sorry, I’ll lather myself in sorry butter and beg for your forgiveness, but, no, you won’t let me have it, because I’ve been a bad blogger. A real bad blogger. And a real bad blogger can’t go around saying mean things about the reader without having the possibility for repercussions. HARD repercussions. Oh yeah, you wanna deliver backlash like I’ve never felt, don’t you? Oooooh, give it to me like I deserve it more than anything. Dress me up in asshole paint and yell at me all night long…. yeah, you got it like that, baby. Now, let me apologize. Oh yeah, I so fucking sorry. SO SORRY. I wanna jam my sorry staff so deep in you that you’ll explode in satisfaction. And then you’ll apologize for the mess and do the same to me. SORRY, YEAH SO SORRY, OH MY GOD YES SO SORRY, THIS IS THE GREATEST FEELING EVER YOU HAVE NO IDEA I’M SO SORRY JESUS CHRIST!!!! FORGIVE ON MY BACK!!! ALL OVER IT, JUST LET IT FLOW OH YES MAKE ME WISH I NEVER CALLED YOU RACIST!!!! MAKE ME THE SORRY BLOG HORSE THAT ONLY MY FLESH LIMITS ME FROM BEING!!! NEIGH!!! FORGIVE ME NEIGH!!!

It’s really that simple. There’s no book or dvd to buy, no special gimmick or trick, and I’m not in it for the money. This isn’t even about money, it’s about doing what you want to do with your life and then doing it, whatever it may be! Longshoreman Peter Parsniff shares his story:

Oh, the storm was raging harder than ever that one fateful September evening. Our sultry escapades had vanished with the threat that the storm might in fact be real, and not something we had been seeing because of our eye-crusties. We abandoned our clothes and donned our storm bikinis to face the tragedy before us, only to realize that the storm that raged the hardest was not the one of wind, sea, and rain, but one of desires. Desires that could not be avoided as Craggly Jim hoisted the masts and Humpback Harry battened down the hatches. We each had it in for each other, but at the same time we were a team, and so much more. As the Gales picked up, each of us were lain on the deck, trembling with fear. Fear not for the storm, but for each other hopes.

Perhaps the message of this blog post has been lost. Perhaps it was never here to begin with. But rest assured in the fact that where ever you are, you are there, and every decision you make comes from the environment around you. Take these words with you into your day or into your dreams, where ever they are they will dance for your soul. Copyright 2006

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